This day was interesting. I have got my Physics experiment checked, got 14 marks, that was good. Did not attend the classes, I am kind of regretting it, but again, thoughts are important. After that came back and slept for 4 hours. I am trying to split my sleep time into 2 four hour slots so that I can make most of my time. So after that, went for dinner, bought two ball point pens. Then came back, filled out the St. Xavier’s form finally. It was noiceee. Took around 2 hours, pretty good experience.
Nepal approached me to participate in the Flipkart GRiD hackathon. I am kind of not so sure about what I will do. Quite hard impostor syndrome is on point after the aftermath of the Graphica event and the Replica 2.0 event.
Now finally, she did not respond. She is kind of treating me like I deserve it. By the way I do. Not much is going to get better if keep on clinging on to her like this forever. I remember the quote I read from Ranati Suzuki
When you experience loss, people say you’ll move through the 5 stages of grief….
Ranata Suzuki
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
….. What they don’t tell you is that you’ll cycle through them all every day.
I very much agree with her on this. I have been going through these cycles for over a year. The moment I think I have moved on, the memories come rushing back in my brain and I am left with nothing other than melancholy and loneliness. The moment I think I can now live my life simply, fulfilling my aspirations and making my family happy, but then she comes back in my mind where I can’t block her, where I can barely run away from her. I don’t know why I am so in love with her, or if it’s love at all. I come back to her knowing that it’s going to hurt, knowing that she does not care anymore, that she moved on a long time ago. I hope she reads this and blocks me, that’s the only way I am going to move on, because I don’t deserve basic human decency.
Finally, completed the BXE assignment. I can sleep peacefully and hopefully, move on from this impostor syndrome and work with Nepal. I think I am destined for greatness and emotional issues like this are pulling me from the path that I need to follow. That’s it for today. I am moderately happy with my life as of now. Hope everything goes alright and my family and she remains happy. I don’t know what else to end this day’s entry with.
Ciao.
