Woke up extremely early due to a power outage. After a thorough dialogue with myseslf, I have come to the conlusion that I need to stop clinging on to people for support and love and validation. Sometimes, it’s alright to look forward to people for certain things. Love, validation, support, help and so on. Positive emotions, requirements for the well being of a soul. But as it stands, I have received (and given) nothing more than misesry to everyone involved in this kind of relationship, especially with her.
She showed me how great life can be, even though I was quite selfish when I met her. I did not want anything more than what a horny 16 year old wants. In a sense, I used her. I lied, over and over again. It wasn’t real, not as real as I promised, real like the emotions on the screen can be. Just some stupid promises exchanged. She was too much into me, I was not. I confess it here. But as time went on, she started losing the sight of what we promised, and ironically enough, I started to believe in it. I started to believe in the fake Utopia that I showed her. I became vulnerable for the first time. I became vulnerable to the person I was exploiting. The predator became the prey. Still, having such great deal of power in her hands, she did not abuse it. I am thankful to her for this. She broke it off quick and simply. No blood was shed, no tears were shared together. It was like pulling a bandage nice and clean in a single go.
Now that I sit here writing this, I realize that I loved her. I fell in love with her in the process. I fell in love with the person I did not intend to. And at the same time she fell apart. Methinks, we were never meant to be together. The only good thing that came out of this is that I have realized that love is not something you can get by doing something great. Love is not something that everyone gets, and love that is shared equally by both people is a rarity in this generation. I am thankful, albeit for a brief moment, we shared a bond that was more pure than anything I have ever witnessed. And most probably, it was purer than anything I will ever witness in my lifetime.
This is what I think. To make sure I end this relationship on a positive note. I gave it a good thought, this has been on my mind ever since we broke apart. If I continue pushing onwards, things will get bitter eventually. Things will get ugly, staining what little moment of bliss we had together. The days and nights we spent thinking about our future together. Those moments when I looked in her eyes, and all I could see was unlike anything I have seen. Those eyes, the stuff you would expect to see in the eyes of a father or mother looking at their child who just survived. The selflessness. Wish I realized what I was going to miss. The only regret in my life. Wish I never fell in love to begin with her. But now that I sit here typing this, the sad realization is hitting me harder than it ever could.
So I have decided, I’ll meet her. For the last time. For one last time, I will look into her eyes until I am contend (though I’ll never get enough of her, we still have to draw a line). I will make sure I hold her hand one last time and stroll aimlessly like the world is going to end in an hour. I’ll make sure that I see her smile one last time, see her cry one last time, see her getting confused one last time as I see her one last time. The last time.
There’s no point in pushing things forward, pushing people forward when there’s no forward to begin with. People should know when it’s the time to let things go. I couldn’t let her go for the past year. I’ve partially destroyed my life, but in return I have learnt a very valuable lesson. The lesson which was worth it. Sometimes, you don’t lose or win, you just learn. You can love who you want to, but them loving you back solely depends on them. Ending things is not that bad. What you’re left with is not regret, but thoses sweet memories which you can cherish. You can’t stain them further with your anger, with you agony. Those will always remain pure and untouched. Deep into that corner of your heart and head, where nothing else is allowed. Where not even you let your mind go. Where no one else can ever be allowed. And in that corner, they live, they still live with you, where she will always live in that pure and perfect form, of how I always perceived her. Nothing can change that, not even the most extreme of my emotions, not even God. She will remain with me in that happy place of me forever, till the end of times.
Will that affect my future relationships with others? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know whether I will be able to love anyone ever again the way I did love her in those moments. Do I regret it? No. Will I trust people? Again, I don’t know, but as far as I have seen in this past year, nothing much changed. I am still a lazy brat. I need to learn to set boundaries. I need to start loving myself.
I don’t like to think of it anymore as she left me or she cheated on me. It was just two people in love, two pure souls, separated by distance. I got too jealous of everyone who was around her because I was not. Because I couldn’t be with her. In retrospect, it was foolish of me. I wish I was mature enough to let her go slowly.
Now that everything is said and done. There’s nobody to blame. Nobody hurt, just two people who shared a beautiful past. Two people who loved each other. Not a single sign of malice. Doesn’t matter how it started, doesn’t matter how it ended. The part where we gave each other whatever we had to offer, it’s the only thing that matters now. I want nothing more, nothing less. It was just perfect. The only thing I need now from her, is to meet her one last time.
